I hope I’m not the only human alive who has spent a significant amount of time cultivating and protecting their imagine.
my people pleasing tendencies were starting to feel chronic against my will. disgustingly on brand for this particular people pleaser.
I’m not sure when it started.
I certainly wasn’t like that growing up. I always marched to the beat of my own drum and made it up as I went.
my reputation was the most important thing to me.
the idea of someone disliking me or doing something somebody wouldn’t approve of made me physically sick.
my therapist clocked it. (shout out to joanie)
“you give others so much grace, you meet people where they are at, you understand people are human and make mistakes, but why do you treat yourself different?”
because I have to be exceptional. I have to be perfect. I’m not allowed to make a mistake or fuck up.
because I have to be great or I’m nothing.
truthfully, that’s a very unrealistic standard that I don’t always meet and beat myself up over it when I don’t.
“who are you trying to impress?”
we ended our session on that note.
who the hell is corinn l. Gamez trying to impress that she nearly kills herself trying to achieve perfection everyday.
it stayed with me.
who was I trying to impress?
I’ve slowly but surely started to set myself free from people pleasing. it’s not easy, but it’s satisfying.
I pondered over it night after night.
I’m not responsible for the narrative others have of who I am.
I know who I am.
the people that know me know the factual narrative.
then I realized it, let’s call it an epiphany.
I’m no longer trying to prove anything to anyone else. I’m not trying to change or manipulate their perception of me.
so who am I really trying to impress?
myself.
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